MTM

One of the huge advantages of having a home theater is not having to actually go out to a real movie theater. This means that you don't to put up with the crowds, the lineups, the ludicrous ticket prices and the even more ludicrous concession prices. But all those things are minor compared to the one true evil presence at the local multiplex - Movie Theater Morons.

Movie Theater Morons (or MTMs, for short) are those people who inevitably end up sitting directly behind you and to the left who do nothing but annoy and distract you and other movie theater patrons. You know who they are, maybe you even were one at one time (though I doubt it if you're smart enough to be reading this --- if you are a reformed MTM reading this, congratulations for going back to school and getting that grade three education).

MTMs are found most commonly in discount theaters, as they are usually in a low income bracket and can't afford a "real movie". Also, an entire family of MTMs can go to a cheap theater for about the price of renting a video from Blockbuster, and if you're going to behave like you're on your couch at home, you may as well pay the same price, right? Sadly, there is no way to easily identify MTMs outside the theater (aside from missing teeth), so you usually don't know they are there until it's too late.

MTMs, like most sociological groups, can be broken down into handy categories.

I. The Loud Talker

We're all familiar with this one. He or she is the person who sits behind you and jabbers through the whole movie. They're not necessarily talking about the movie, but maybe about what they had for lunch, or what little Bobby put in the electric socket last week. Repeated requests from other audience members (i.e. "Ssshhhhhh!!!") to please be quiet go unnoticed and unheeded, and a direct confrontation (i.e. "Excuse me, could you please be quiet, we're trying to watch the movie") results in The Loud Talker becoming offended and segueing their conversation into how rude people can be.

II. The Repeater

The repeater is the idiot who insists on repeating every single line in the movie. Especially common at comedies. Every time a character in the movie lets off a one-liner, they insist on repeating it for those audience members who may have missed it the first time around. Repeaters are also fairly common at Arnold Schwarzneggar films, and insist on attempting to imitate his Austrian accent when performing their parrot act. Repeaters are almost always members of category III, as well.

III. The Reader

The Reader is the person who will read every bit of text on the screen out loud in an attempt to narrate the film for those audience members who are illiterate. The reader is the smartest of all the MTMs because they have the ability to read, albeit only in short phrases. The reader will usually insist on reading any road sign or building identification in the film out loud as well (i.e. "Chicago, sixty miles").

IV. The Shifter

The shifter can never sit still during the damned movie. They get into a position, then shift a little to the left, slide down in their seat, kick the seat in front of them, then stand up, get back in their seat and start all over again. The shifter is only annoying to those people in his or her immediate proximity, and utilizes their enormous skill at fidgeting to get either directly into your line of sight or kick the back of your seat repeatedly.

V. The Pee-Wee

The Peewee is named after actor Paul Reubens (aka Peewee Herman) who was caught polishing his doorknob outside his playhouse a few years back. These people do exist, and are most commonly seen in adult theaters. Sadly, these people have been known to creep into mainstream movies from time to time (i.e. Basic Instinct or Sliver), and can be quite distracting. The moaning and kicking of your seat is especially distracting when they sit behind you. My advice? Get up and change seats unless you like extra butter on your popcorn.

VI. Other

The other category is reserved solely for those MTMs who can't fit into any other category, or who may defy all rules of logic and simply cannot be categorized. As an example of this, there was a fellow who was speaking rather loudly through Star Trek: First Contact when I saw it. When an usher came into the theater to ask him to leave because he was disturbing the other patrons, he stated that he was explaining the movie to his mother who didn't understand English very well. All the seats around him were empty.

As you can see, the MTM is quite an interesting beast, and deserves a research grant to study their behavior patterns. Just tonight, as a matter of fact, I was at a showing of Muppets from Space and saw a family which had three categories of MTM within it. Right in front of us were a Loud Talker, a Repeater/Reader (who insisted on repeating everything the loud talker said as well), and their daughter, a Shifter. Quite an amazing anthropological find, if I do say so myself. Sadly, they escaped in their '74 Gremlin before I could capture them for further study.

Sadly, this weekly column still has no title. I hope naming a kid isn't this hard...otherwise I'll never be able to start a family. Of course, I've always had a hard time with names. My cats were named "Purple" and "Green" for the longest time (the colors of their collars), and it almost stuck. Thankfully (for them, and me) we stumbled across some appropriate names for them before they would only answer to colors.

Last week's quote of the week went unanswered. The quote was from the excellent Bill Paxton/Billy Bob Thornton film, A Simple Plan. The film is newly available on DVD, and if you haven't seen it, get out there and rent it now!

This week's quote is from a movie which was originally supposed to come to DVD day & date, but was pushed back. It now has a new release date, but features for the disc haven't been announced. I chose this film because it had one of the classiest MTMs I've ever seen in a theater during the film. When she was told flat out to SHUT UP during the movie, her response (in a smoker's voice) was "I'm just having a conversation!". The guy who told her to shut up cracked me up, though. His response to her? "Thank god they made you leave your cow bell outside!". As we say around here, she had a side order of class!

Woman: "My brother killed my sister."
Man: "How did he do that?"
Woman: "With a really big, sharp kitchen knife."

If you know the name of the film (or a name for this column!), email me at ken@dvdfuture.com

Until next time...