Why I Hate the Mall

Let's start out this week with a little story. Today is Tuesday, April 6th, 1999. Today is also the day that American History X was released on DVD. Seeing as how I'm a huge fan, it seems natural that I would want to purchase copy of this highly regarded film. Normally I would run to The Future Shop across the street from my workplace. However today is my day off from work, so I have to make the short but treacherous journey to a different Future Shop outlet (I live in Canada - Future Shop is the cheapest place to buy DVDs here). It so happens that the nearest Future Shop to my home is in Northland Village Mall, about a ten minute drive.

I hop in my car, and battle the daytime traffic morons to get down to the mall. After much weaving around people who seem to have no idea to drive, I park at the back of the lot (the better to avoid the people who can’t park), and make my trek to the doors. Once inside the mall, I make a bee-line for Future Shop which is just up the hallway.

I’m a fast walker. Even when I’m in not in a hurry, I look like I’m in a hurry. Today I was in a bit of a hurry. I wanted my History X, of course. I’m barreling down the hallway, winding around housewives and kids and punks skipping out of the school across the street, and I feel someone grab my arm. "What the?" I think, as I turn and see a homeless fellow who’s obviously had a few belts of something extremely foul smelling (distilled gasoline?). "Hey buddy, howsabout a couple a bucks?" he slurs to me, to which I give my standard reply, "No!".

"You don’t have to be such an asshole about it!" he replies. "Whatever," I say, and continue my high speed trek down the hall. He runs up beside me, catches up, and grabs my arm again. This pissed me off, so I shoved him. He staggers back, stumbles and collapses right onto a potted tree in the mall. This tree is about nine feet tall, and the pot begins to wobble precariously. The pot tips over, taking the tree with it, of course, and there’s a huge crash. Everyone in the mall turns, and I see security guards running down the hall. I continue my journey toward the Future Shop, the commotion should keep that guy busy.

I make it into the Future Shop, and it takes me a moment to get my bearings. The layout in this particular store has to be the most confusing thing I’ve ever seen. Maybe that guy in the hall was the one who came up with the floorplan? Regardless, after a little searching I find myself in the DVD section (I’m still not sure how I did it). I grab the last copy of American History X on the shelf. Oddly enough, when I’m trying to find my way out of the DVD section another copy mysteriously appears on the shelf. Weird. Oh well on to my journey. In weaving around the people to make my way to a checkout stall, I became jammed in a dead-end aisle (I told you the layout was weird), and found myself staring at a lone jewel case for The Matrix soundtrack. Ah..what the hell I’ll buy it. Maybe this floor plan is deliberate? Regardless, I now have an American History X DVD and a Matrix CD in hand, and I’m on my way to the checkout.

I reach the checkout counter, place my prized purchases on the counter and use my magic plastic (bank card) to pay for them. The checkout lady places my purchases in a clear Future Shop bag and I stumble back out into the mall. Disoriented, confused, a little more broke, but happy.

Of course, today is my day off, so I have nowhere to be. My wife would kill me if I drove home and watched American History X before she got home from work, so what to do? I figured, what the hell, may as well have a look around the mall.

I wander down the hallways, becoming increasingly aggravated by how slow people move (I feel like Neo and the people are bullets), when I come across that giant of giants, Wal-Mart. Now, I should be clear here, I hate Wal-Mart, but nobody can deny they have great prices on some stuff. I figure I may as well wander in. Three steps into the store, I remember why I hate Wal-Mart, the people who shop there. People are, of course, standing the middle of every open space trying to decide which way they want to go next. I swear they should have traffic lights in Wal-Mart, or at least No Stopping signs.

The only section of Wal-Mart which interests me is their photography/cd/video game section, usually located in the middle of the store. I figured Id wander into there and see if Wal-Mart Canada had started selling DVDs yet. Hell, if they had em, I knew they'd be cheap. I wander into the prison camp which is the electronics department. I pass the security guards, towers, electronic barricades and make my way into the heart of the complex. Woo hoo! I make my way through the aisles, taking note of various pieces of computer software, some Playstation games, a few CDs. Absolutely nothing special. I made extra note of the fact that they didn't have The Matrix soundtrack.  Had to know if I paid too much, of course. Nothing. The place is a bust, and I've had enough of the mall crowds.

I weave my way through the guard towers and German Shepherds and scratch and crawl back to the mall entrance. I've had enough. I see a clearing in the crowds and rush for the doors. Just as I'm about to exit Wal-Mart territory, an old man steps in front of me. Hes wearing one of those blasted Wal-Mart vests.

"Excuse me, sir, can I check the contents of your bag?"

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I absolutely HATE this policy of Wal-Mart's. The invasive, condescending, and downright RUDE policy of inspecting customers belongings on their way out of the store. Today I am off work. I'm literally killing time. I have nowhere to be.

"No." Comes my response.

The old man looked stunned for a moment. I don't think anyone had ever said that to him before. He took a step back, and I gathered my momentum to continue my journey. He stepped in front of me again.

"I'm sorry, sir, I have to check the contents of your bag."

"Why?" I asked.

Again, a stunned look.

"Because we need to know that you haven't taken anything from our store." Came the reply.

"Then let me repeat myself", I said. "No."

I started to walk again. The Wal-Mart drone followed me out of the store, then grabbed my arm. Another pet peeve of mine is having my personal bubble invaded by strangers.

I stopped again. "Take your hand off of me," I said plainly.

"I have to check your bag, sir", the drone responded.

I then removed the man's hand from my arm. "Do not touch me", I said. I was a little more forceful this time.

I should make a note at this point that, as I mentioned earlier, Future Shop bags are clear. You can see right through them. Wal-Mart does not sell either of the items present in my transparent bag. Because I'm in no hurry, and I'm beginning to enjoy this verbal exchange, I fail to point this out to the Wal-Mart door drone.

I continued walking again, knowing full well that the drone would follow. As sure as clockwork, he does. He said something to me again, (along the lines of I have to check your bag, I'm sure), and this time a mall security guard overheard the commotion. HE then decided to get involved.

The mall guard comes over and asks what's going on. The Wal-Mart drone explains his side of the story, then I explain mine. The guard looks at me and says, just let him check the bag.

"No." I say, he has no right to inspect my belongings. He has no probable cause, and his store does not carry any of the items contained in this transparent bag.

"I can't let you leave until one of us inspects the contents of your bag and sees a receipt", says the guard.

"If you want to detain me, then you'd better call a cop", I reply. Much to my surprise the security guard actually calls one.

Now, this cop must've been in the mall for some reason already, because he arrived on the scene in seconds. He calmly asked what the problem was, then listened as everyone gave their side of the story. I made extra effort to point out that Wal-Mart (or Mall-Wart, as I referred to it at the time) did not carry any of the two items in my transparent bag.

The officer then proceeded to explain (lecture is more like it) to the Wal-Mart drone and security guard that they had no right to inspect my belongings if I refused when asked. He went on to explain further that they had no right to detain me unless they had an eyewitness report of me shoplifting something, and that by grabbing my arm the Wal-Mart drone had essentially committed assault and I could, if I so desired, press charges.

Of course, I'm not interested in anyone getting a criminal record because of this incident (after all, I was just having some fun), so I declined to press charges. I did, however, ask to speak to the manager of that particular Wal-Mart. After a short wait, one of the managers came down and I made it clear that I would not tolerate this type of behavior by their employees in future. Much apologizing and ass-kissing ensued, and I went on my way home to listen to The Matrix soundtrack (which is fantastic, by the way).

Anyhow, I suppose the moral of the story is to know your rights, and don't let anyone infringe on them. I know similar incidents have happened in the U.S., and I don't know if the same terms and conditions apply there regarding search and seizure. Needless to say, those people who wish to shop at Wal-Mart (poor suckers) in Calgary, are encouraged to go to Northland Village. I suspect their employees are now a little more informed in regards to what their powers are.

All right. On to things DVD (or at least more DVD) related. As I mentioned, I purchased the American History X DVD today, and I'm looking forward to watching it. I probably wont get the chance tonight, but maybe tomorrow. Once I've watched it, Ill be sure to review it.

In other DVD-related news, I've been talking to some people at Lions Gate Entertainment (who released the fantastic Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar-winner Gods and Monsters as well as the Oscar winning Nick Nolte/James Coburn film, Affliction). Hopefully Ill be able to fill you in on some of their upcoming DVD releases later this week. Ill even try to get some information on the features of the DVDs for you.

I mentioned The Matrix soundtrack earlier. For those of you who enjoy the type of music heard throughout the film, this soundtrack is absolutely perfect. Its got an interesting mix of music covering Marilyn Manson, Rage Against The Machine, Ministry et al. Very good industrial/alt-rock/gothic feel to it. The music really does fit the film perfectly.

Last week I used the quote "That'll have them rolling in the aisles". Bob Mandel was the first person to correctly point out that the quote was from the Best Picture Oscar winner, Shakespeare in Love. It was, of course, Geoffrey Rush who delivered the line as theatre-owner Phillip Henslowe after being told about the comedy which would become Romeo & Juliet. Its a fantastic film, and if you haven't seen it yet its well worth the $7-9. Don't let the word Shakespeare in the title turn you off.

This week, the quote strays as far from the Oscars as possible

[Insert Austrian accent here] BIG HINT!
"Don't you know the Dewey Decimal system?"

As usual, send the name of the film as well as the actors name to ken@dvdfuture.com.

Thats it.

Until next time, buy American History X on DVD and avoid Mall-Wart!